Monday, May 23, 2011

Take Me Away...

If you're not one for serious posts.....move on...

This morning we got some pretty awful news. I know. Again. Our friends' one-year old daughter passed away last night due to some complications stemming from open heart surgery she needed to have to fix some holes in her heart. She was doing so well last week after the surgery and they were so hopeful last week and now this. It saddens me even more than I already am. That sweet little girl.

I told my husband this morning that a very long string of really great things better start happening because I cannot handle this life the way it has become. He told me I can't just sit around and wait for those good things to happen. My mom told me that bad things will never stop happening, but that you take them in stride, become right with it and move on. I wish it were that easy.

Anxiety has taken over my life. I now dream of a day when my chest doesn't feel tight and I can breathe easy. It's such an awful feeling. My meeting with the therapist can't come soon enough; I feel like it's slightly an emergency. I feel like I'm desperately grasping for air, sunshine, happiness and relief.

I've done some extensive reading on how to ease anxiety; methods to try, supplements to take, etc. I have tried a calming tea; that helps for a little while. And I decided to listen to these self-therapy sessions last night before bed thinking it would calm me. I was wrong. The first two excerpts were explaining how anxiety affects you and how your subconscious takes control. That made me even more aware of what it happening to me and sent me spiraling into my third anxiety attack so far.

This morning, I decided I want to move away. Far away. Where I can gain back control and then come back with a renewed spirit to take things head on. I know I won't just move away (it's a glamorous thought), but being here in this life isn't working right now.

1 comment:

  1. Life sure feels rough sometimes doesn't it? Keeping reaching out for love and hugs, as I know that sometimes it is just simply the love of others that helps to keep us going. I don't know when it will get easier, but I can promise you that it will. And that at some point, you will no longer feel like you are just struggling to get by, but you will feel like you are really living again and it will feel naturally easier and happier. And you will look back on this hard time in life and see how much you have grown and expanded. Your heart is too big not to my sweet friend. xo