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They look so peaceful.

And sweet.

And have completely taken over my side of the bed.

If there is one thing I have learned, it's that parenting is hard. Really hard. I hit a point yesterday realizing that I have gotten into a situation that I don't like. I need to step back. The boys are yelling all the time, they're sassy, I'm constantly saying 'no', it seems they're always on a time out; it's exhausting. Out of ideas, I called my mom (which usually happens when I need advice on anything). We went through everything; the constant fighting between the two, how loud, rough and aggressive they can be, how listening seems to be completely optional for them, how I am uptight and yelling too often, etc....I felt a bit of hopelessnes.

Then, she hit the trigger. She asked, "how much time do you spend playing with them?" wham! That'll hit you where it hurts. I realized how caught up I have become in my own life. Maybe I've said "hold on", "just a sec", "in a bit" one too many times. All they really want is for me to pay attention, be present and interested. I try my best to address their issues while rushing to get ready for work and daycare in the morning, making sure things are done around the house, laundry, meals are ready and bills are paid when I'm home in the morning with Owen, making dinner, doing the dishes, more laundry, gardening, etc. in the evening.

"Mom, can we go hit some balls outside?"    "In a minute, Owen!"

I know managing a family of four with two working parents, one of which is completely consumed in a new business venture, graduate school, baseball, softball, fishing, therapy, book clubs, social activities, birthday parties, etc is a lot. But, once that becomes the way of doing things, it seems normal. Instead, I want my kids to feel relaxed, peaceful and have fun when they're at home.

So, for now, I vow to play.

Thanks, mom.

Enough said.

I wrote a lengthy blog post about this day, about the one year mark, but I erased it because it's much simpler than that:

Jess: I miss you everyday and will forever.

This past year has been a journey; a journey in healing, in self-reflection, in growth. And I made it a year, which at this time last year, I felt I wouldn't make it one more day.

And interestingly enough, nobody in our family could remember what date it was. Half of us thought it was the 28th and half thought it was the 30th, but none the 29th. It's as if this date was erased from our memories.

Your life and spirit live on forever. It's the bad times that force growth and understanding, but it's the good times that count.

XOXO

Reason

"Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason." -Carrie Bradshaw

I saw this quote on a friend's facebook page, thought about how great it was and then lost it. I went searching and finally found it. :) I cannot think of truer words. [I knew I loved those Sex and the City ladies for a reason].

Statistics

I had a therapy session last night, and it's been awhile since I've gone. I count that as progress. For a couple weeks I've been deciding what I wanted to talk about because nothing seemed pressing (!). However, a constant theme that stuck with me since Jess passed away was an ever present feeling of doom; that I am going to die soon and when so, I'm definitely going to die of cancer.

Now, I know this is definitely a skewed perception, but I just could not make the feeling go away. As better as I was feeling, that was still hanging over my head. What better subject to talk to my therapist about. I explained that I'm pretty sure everybody is getting cancer now and it is taking over the world. It's all I ever hear about now. [Though cancer rates are gradually growing, I'm sure it hasn't gone all King Kong on the world yet....]. He related it to anything else we may have a deeper connection to in terms of how noticeable it becomes in our everyday life. For instance, you decide you would really like to purchase a red car. All of a sudden, all you see are red cars. Or, your great grandmother's restaurant closed after many years causing sadness to the family and all of a sudden all you notice are restaurant closures, feeling a deeper connection to those that do.

He told me that once I realized it was a fear, I would be able to allow myself to realize that there are plenty of healthy, vibrant people out there and to let the idea of those people in providing balance to this perception I have.  Again, he has provided me with a great tool.

Feeling great about this, I'm driving to work this morning listening to MPR (Minnesota Public Radio) as I recently have been doing more of (apparently, I want to know what's going on in the world now) and they just happen to have a cancer epidemiologist from the MN Dept of Health on the air talking about a growing cancer scare in a certain Minnesota city. In that discussion, he stated that fifty percent of Minnesotans will get cancer at some point in their lives. 50%!?! My jaw dropped. Maybe this isn't new news, but hearing that 1 in 2 statistic sort of confirmed my fear. I mean, that is a bit staggering. Granted that could mean anyone from 0-150 years old, but still. I even had to check the MDH website to see if I heard this right. Sure did. That means that my cancer nightmare isn't over yet.

HOWEVER, I am taking this new information and giving it to God. I can do as much as I can by living a clean and simple life, but beyond that is not up to me. I can live with that. And living is what I do best :)

Happy Birthday, Brother

Dear Jess,

I miss you everyday. No lie; every single day I think of you. And I constantly question: 'What would Jesse do in this situation?' because it always seems to give me the right answer. Thank you for that.

I have been sad the last two days, but a different kind of sad. A sad that makes me know I have come a long way since just a year ago. I can handle these feelings much better and no longer is it a feeling of overwhelming disparity, but just a sadness from that feeling of having a void.

I really cannot believe it has been a year from when we all surprised you in your hospital room with balloons, cake, cards/gifts and whole bunch of family and friends. You were so surprised and happy! And that image we all still have of all the cousins sitting on your bed. It was a great day. The circumstances sucked, but it was a great day.

So, here's to being 34, whether on earth or up in heaven. And as Dominic asked mom today, "Is my dad having a party up in heaven??" You better be. :)