Monday, May 23, 2011

Take Me Away...

If you're not one for serious posts.....move on...

This morning we got some pretty awful news. I know. Again. Our friends' one-year old daughter passed away last night due to some complications stemming from open heart surgery she needed to have to fix some holes in her heart. She was doing so well last week after the surgery and they were so hopeful last week and now this. It saddens me even more than I already am. That sweet little girl.

I told my husband this morning that a very long string of really great things better start happening because I cannot handle this life the way it has become. He told me I can't just sit around and wait for those good things to happen. My mom told me that bad things will never stop happening, but that you take them in stride, become right with it and move on. I wish it were that easy.

Anxiety has taken over my life. I now dream of a day when my chest doesn't feel tight and I can breathe easy. It's such an awful feeling. My meeting with the therapist can't come soon enough; I feel like it's slightly an emergency. I feel like I'm desperately grasping for air, sunshine, happiness and relief.

I've done some extensive reading on how to ease anxiety; methods to try, supplements to take, etc. I have tried a calming tea; that helps for a little while. And I decided to listen to these self-therapy sessions last night before bed thinking it would calm me. I was wrong. The first two excerpts were explaining how anxiety affects you and how your subconscious takes control. That made me even more aware of what it happening to me and sent me spiraling into my third anxiety attack so far.

This morning, I decided I want to move away. Far away. Where I can gain back control and then come back with a renewed spirit to take things head on. I know I won't just move away (it's a glamorous thought), but being here in this life isn't working right now.

Monday, May 9, 2011

In Retrospect...

I think the last week is all just a blur....

My brother's memorial was absolutely beautiful; filled with everyone that loved him, countless pictures, kind words and wonderful music. It was just how he would have wanted it. A celebration. It felt easy not to be sad that day. Surrounded by SO many people; I felt such love and support. I'm so thankful for that.

But I think yesterday was the let down from it all. An immense feeling of sadness and anger filled me; my life felt like a pit. It was easy for me to go through such an intense list of things that were leaving me with such a void - I've lost my brother, my husband's lost his job and in turn, he's lost his ability to emotionally support me fully, I don't have my wedding ring (short story....2-year old flushed it down the toilet a week ago), I have a wreck for a sister.......those feelings turned into me feeling like a bad parent with a lack of coping skills, not having any goals to work toward; just feeling like I'm existing; moving, but not never getting anywhere. Plenty of people told me that the last week has just been too much, but my response was it will all be fine. My husband will find a new job, we'll replace my ring, my brother's memory will live on, etc. But the truth is, it is too much. It's way too much all at one time. It's such a dark feeling.

I have learned that talking through these feelings helps immensely. I know it will take time for me to come right with myself, but keeping aware of my feelings and taking one day at a time is how I will proceed.

Today is a new day and a good one at that. I feel somewhat of a renewed spirit. Our lives are forever changed, but in this new chapter we will be closer and stronger. From everything that happens in our lives, we become better people.

Thanks Jesse for being the best person I know; I'm so proud to call you my brother.

Monday, May 2, 2011

New Life Theme Song

I keep hearing this song on the radio, but haven't actually listened to it. Now that I took time to hear the words, I decided I'm adopting it as the theme song for my life right now, in pertinent part.....

Keep Your Head Up
By Andy Grammer

The glow that the sun gives
Right around sunset
Helps me realize
This is just a journey
Drop your worries
You are gonna turn out fine.
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.
you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I know it's hard, know its hard,
To remember sometimes,
But you gotta keep your head up, oh,
And you can let your hair down, eh.

I've got my hands in my pockets,
Kickin these rocks.
Its kinda hard to watch this life go by.
I'm buyin in the skeptics,
Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes

I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled
I start to comprimise
My life and the purpose.
Is it all worth it,
Am I gonna turn out fine?
Oh, you'll turn out fine.
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine.

Only rainbows after rain
The sun will always come again.
Its a circle, circling,
Around again, it comes around again.

Thanks, Andy, for some insight :)

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Box of Chocolates: Part Two

Here I am. Two days after my brother's passing.

I am writing this to hopefully come to terms with what has happened. To drag the right feelings out of myself.

I've been surprisingly calm throughout these past couple days. Very surprising to me. Almost unnatural.

It is still very surreal. The last couple of months; the images in my brain from his last days; it seems like a bad dream.

My mind will start brother died....he's not here anymore...i've lost him...... immediately my body wants to hurl up my heart, but at the same time, it is such an unfathomable notion that I feel my brow furrow and my head slightly shake to rid myself of the thought.

I don't think it has hit me yet. I know it will take time.

Am I going to call his phone number forgetting he's not there to answer?
I won't ever see him again. Ever. EVER!!
Take me instead because he was much better than I.

Just while writing this, the image came to me again. Of a body with nothing left. Will that image ever escape me? That body was my brother's. Sleeping on the cold concrete floor of his hospice room with my husband, my mom, my sister and his wife....listening to his low, shallow, automatic breathing.....literally waiting for him to pass. It's all such a memory that seems so unbelievable, morbid and strange.

At the time, I just wanted it all to be over. I even prayed for him to finally go. I want to race back and take those thoughts away and just sit there with him. And comfort him. And tell him it will be alright.

When I think about my brother now, it's not the cancer that comes to mind, but how he was before this nightmare started. It's as if my brain has discarded the last 10 months. And I'm glad that the disease did not define him in my mind; but it makes the pain worse and feels like this happened way too sudden.

Rest in peace my dear sweet brother. Am I really writing this? I know this isn't what any of us ever imagined.

This awful dream can be over. Can I wake up now please?!