Sunday, May 1, 2011

Box of Chocolates: Part Two

Here I am. Two days after my brother's passing.

I am writing this to hopefully come to terms with what has happened. To drag the right feelings out of myself.

I've been surprisingly calm throughout these past couple days. Very surprising to me. Almost unnatural.

It is still very surreal. The last couple of months; the images in my brain from his last days; it seems like a bad dream.

My mind will start brother died....he's not here anymore...i've lost him...... immediately my body wants to hurl up my heart, but at the same time, it is such an unfathomable notion that I feel my brow furrow and my head slightly shake to rid myself of the thought.

I don't think it has hit me yet. I know it will take time.

Am I going to call his phone number forgetting he's not there to answer?
I won't ever see him again. Ever. EVER!!
Take me instead because he was much better than I.

Just while writing this, the image came to me again. Of a body with nothing left. Will that image ever escape me? That body was my brother's. Sleeping on the cold concrete floor of his hospice room with my husband, my mom, my sister and his wife....listening to his low, shallow, automatic breathing.....literally waiting for him to pass. It's all such a memory that seems so unbelievable, morbid and strange.

At the time, I just wanted it all to be over. I even prayed for him to finally go. I want to race back and take those thoughts away and just sit there with him. And comfort him. And tell him it will be alright.

When I think about my brother now, it's not the cancer that comes to mind, but how he was before this nightmare started. It's as if my brain has discarded the last 10 months. And I'm glad that the disease did not define him in my mind; but it makes the pain worse and feels like this happened way too sudden.

Rest in peace my dear sweet brother. Am I really writing this? I know this isn't what any of us ever imagined.

This awful dream can be over. Can I wake up now please?!


  1. Thanks for sharing sweet Amber. I've been sending and passing on so much love and prayers for your entire family. I love you all so much!

  2. amber, just read this and i had to go get a hanky halfway through because i was literally bawling. my heart is just breaking for you all over again. thanks for sharing such an intimate moment- you are quite the eloquent writer. can't wait to give you a hug on saturday.