My brother's memorial was absolutely beautiful; filled with everyone that loved him, countless pictures, kind words and wonderful music. It was just how he would have wanted it. A celebration. It felt easy not to be sad that day. Surrounded by SO many people; I felt such love and support. I'm so thankful for that.
But I think yesterday was the let down from it all. An immense feeling of sadness and anger filled me; my life felt like a pit. It was easy for me to go through such an intense list of things that were leaving me with such a void - I've lost my brother, my husband's lost his job and in turn, he's lost his ability to emotionally support me fully, I don't have my wedding ring (short story....2-year old flushed it down the toilet a week ago), I have a wreck for a sister.......those feelings turned into me feeling like a bad parent with a lack of coping skills, not having any goals to work toward; just feeling like I'm existing; moving, but not never getting anywhere. Plenty of people told me that the last week has just been too much, but my response was it will all be fine. My husband will find a new job, we'll replace my ring, my brother's memory will live on, etc. But the truth is, it is too much. It's way too much all at one time. It's such a dark feeling.
I have learned that talking through these feelings helps immensely. I know it will take time for me to come right with myself, but keeping aware of my feelings and taking one day at a time is how I will proceed.
Today is a new day and a good one at that. I feel somewhat of a renewed spirit. Our lives are forever changed, but in this new chapter we will be closer and stronger. From everything that happens in our lives, we become better people.
Thanks Jesse for being the best person I know; I'm so proud to call you my brother.