Life IS like a box of chocolates.....

...you never know whatcha gonna get.

In my current struggle to deal with my brother's fight with cancer, I realized I have never felt such a wide array of emotions that are so fast-changing. I'm starting to think I might be schizo....not really. One day, I will think, this is MY brother (oh man, tears already writing this....gah!) and I get so mad at the cancer I want to punch or kick something. But that's the thing; cancer is intangible. You can't get mad at cancer. It doesn't care - in fact, it laughs you in the face.

The next day, I will be just fine. Happy as can be, the world cannot harm me and I can be support for others who are struggling that day without a glimmer of a tear. I am so strong these days.

Today, I find myself in that other mood; the cranky mood. I hate being at work right now. I'm snappy and annoyed at my bosses and they should know why. They do. But I still hate being here.

And finally, the sad days. The days I can't stop crying because life is so unfair. So freakin' unfair.

When I have looked at my brother in the last month, it's not him. He doesn't look like himself, he's confused, he's tired. In trying to cope and understand my feelings, I just recently realized why I'm having such a hard time. I thought, 'this is my only brother and he has always been my closest sibling; my go-to sibling. i used to talk to him almost every day. we hung out all the time. so, if he is the one i would normally talk through a serious family situation with, who am I supposed to talk to when he's the one that's the subject of this hell?????' and if he knew exactly what was going on right now; if his former self could have some perspective on this, he would not be okay with this. (blurry eyes...can't see my keyboard).

I have noticed recently that I have been having more of a calm feeling. And it scares the shit out of me. It scares me because I really hope that I am not starting to accept this situation; of what might happen.

I went to the hospital this morning to visit and he was the same; tired, losing more hair and so small. Right before I left, I gave him a kiss on the forehead. He immediately said, "Eww!" That brought a smile to my face. That's my brother :)

Permanent.

When you hear that something is 'permanent', is it really permanent?? There are so many cleaning solutions out there, nothing should actually be permanent. But, alas, I'm here to tell you that permanent markers are actually permanent; on certain surfaces.

Picture this. I jump in the shower yesterday morning for approximately 8 minutes. Eight minutes. The minute I get out of the shower, O yells (nonchalantly, I might add), "moooommm, come see what Aldy did. He colored on the couch".  p.s. in parenting, 'come see what ____ did' is never good. I come dowstairs and see three distinct scribbles, one on each cushion of the couch. Then scribbles on two throw pillows. I immediately think, 'where the heck did he find a black marker??' My head whips 90 degrees to the kitchen to where I find a dining room chair pushed up to the wall shelf that holds some pens, pencils and.....you guessed it, sharpies. GAH!! 

I then assess the damage. I look at the couch and shake my head..which then leads me to the scribble on the couch arm. Then my eyes are distracted by the scribble on the carpet and then the ottoman!!! He had went on a scribbling rampage. I was speechless.

After the very stern talks and lengthy time outs were initiated to both the Scribbler and the lazy one who didn't care to tell me what was going on, I took a breather, hands on head, and basically did a circle around my house. But wait. Out of the corner of my eye, what's that on the couch in the sitting room?? Oh yes, a scribble on each cushion there, more scribbles on the window sill and the window, the throw pillow......and his tiny police car. AHHHHH!!!!

My heart sank. How was I going to get this permanent marker off of all this furniture? Now, I immediately rushed to the computer to do a search. Turns out, I'm not the only parent this has happened to. (I even read a story about a woman whose 2 year old scribbled all over her friend's couch with a sharpie....that sucks.) So, rubbing alcohol seemed to be the answer for the microsuede couch; hairspray for cotton fabrics; and I surrounded myself with various other recommended products, nail polish remover, furniture cleaner, Melaleuca Sol-U-Mel and carpet cleaner. Enough to give me the largest headache ever. I scrubbed for two hours straight. Two hours of serious scrubbing and the results are in:

I am happy with the results, even though there are still faint signs of the destruction. All the cushions have been flipped in the sitting room (thank God we are planning to do away with those couches....soon), the marker came out of the throw pillows, except for a small faded line on the yellow one. Oh well, I'll flip it the other way. It easily came of the window and sill and ottoman. But most importantly, the microsuede couch. If you didn't know the faint marks were there, you would never tell. And I'm okay with that.

As for now.....I've learned my lesson. The markers are put away.