...you never know whatcha gonna get.
In my current struggle to deal with my brother's fight with cancer, I realized I have never felt such a wide array of emotions that are so fast-changing. I'm starting to think I might be schizo....not really. One day, I will think, this is MY brother (oh man, tears already writing this....gah!) and I get so mad at the cancer I want to punch or kick something. But that's the thing; cancer is intangible. You can't get mad at cancer. It doesn't care - in fact, it laughs you in the face.
The next day, I will be just fine. Happy as can be, the world cannot harm me and I can be support for others who are struggling that day without a glimmer of a tear. I am so strong these days.
Today, I find myself in that other mood; the cranky mood. I hate being at work right now. I'm snappy and annoyed at my bosses and they should know why. They do. But I still hate being here.
And finally, the sad days. The days I can't stop crying because life is so unfair. So freakin' unfair.
When I have looked at my brother in the last month, it's not him. He doesn't look like himself, he's confused, he's tired. In trying to cope and understand my feelings, I just recently realized why I'm having such a hard time. I thought, 'this is my only brother and he has always been my closest sibling; my go-to sibling. i used to talk to him almost every day. we hung out all the time. so, if he is the one i would normally talk through a serious family situation with, who am I supposed to talk to when he's the one that's the subject of this hell?????' and if he knew exactly what was going on right now; if his former self could have some perspective on this, he would not be okay with this. (blurry eyes...can't see my keyboard).
I have noticed recently that I have been having more of a calm feeling. And it scares the shit out of me. It scares me because I really hope that I am not starting to accept this situation; of what might happen.
I went to the hospital this morning to visit and he was the same; tired, losing more hair and so small. Right before I left, I gave him a kiss on the forehead. He immediately said, "Eww!" That brought a smile to my face. That's my brother :)