Reason

"Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment, and know that everything happens for a reason." -Carrie Bradshaw

I saw this quote on a friend's facebook page, thought about how great it was and then lost it. I went searching and finally found it. :) I cannot think of truer words. [I knew I loved those Sex and the City ladies for a reason].

Statistics

I had a therapy session last night, and it's been awhile since I've gone. I count that as progress. For a couple weeks I've been deciding what I wanted to talk about because nothing seemed pressing (!). However, a constant theme that stuck with me since Jess passed away was an ever present feeling of doom; that I am going to die soon and when so, I'm definitely going to die of cancer.

Now, I know this is definitely a skewed perception, but I just could not make the feeling go away. As better as I was feeling, that was still hanging over my head. What better subject to talk to my therapist about. I explained that I'm pretty sure everybody is getting cancer now and it is taking over the world. It's all I ever hear about now. [Though cancer rates are gradually growing, I'm sure it hasn't gone all King Kong on the world yet....]. He related it to anything else we may have a deeper connection to in terms of how noticeable it becomes in our everyday life. For instance, you decide you would really like to purchase a red car. All of a sudden, all you see are red cars. Or, your great grandmother's restaurant closed after many years causing sadness to the family and all of a sudden all you notice are restaurant closures, feeling a deeper connection to those that do.

He told me that once I realized it was a fear, I would be able to allow myself to realize that there are plenty of healthy, vibrant people out there and to let the idea of those people in providing balance to this perception I have.  Again, he has provided me with a great tool.

Feeling great about this, I'm driving to work this morning listening to MPR (Minnesota Public Radio) as I recently have been doing more of (apparently, I want to know what's going on in the world now) and they just happen to have a cancer epidemiologist from the MN Dept of Health on the air talking about a growing cancer scare in a certain Minnesota city. In that discussion, he stated that fifty percent of Minnesotans will get cancer at some point in their lives. 50%!?! My jaw dropped. Maybe this isn't new news, but hearing that 1 in 2 statistic sort of confirmed my fear. I mean, that is a bit staggering. Granted that could mean anyone from 0-150 years old, but still. I even had to check the MDH website to see if I heard this right. Sure did. That means that my cancer nightmare isn't over yet.

HOWEVER, I am taking this new information and giving it to God. I can do as much as I can by living a clean and simple life, but beyond that is not up to me. I can live with that. And living is what I do best :)

Happy Birthday, Brother

Dear Jess,

I miss you everyday. No lie; every single day I think of you. And I constantly question: 'What would Jesse do in this situation?' because it always seems to give me the right answer. Thank you for that.

I have been sad the last two days, but a different kind of sad. A sad that makes me know I have come a long way since just a year ago. I can handle these feelings much better and no longer is it a feeling of overwhelming disparity, but just a sadness from that feeling of having a void.

I really cannot believe it has been a year from when we all surprised you in your hospital room with balloons, cake, cards/gifts and whole bunch of family and friends. You were so surprised and happy! And that image we all still have of all the cousins sitting on your bed. It was a great day. The circumstances sucked, but it was a great day.

So, here's to being 34, whether on earth or up in heaven. And as Dominic asked mom today, "Is my dad having a party up in heaven??" You better be. :)

One Year.

I knew I wanted to write something one year from the time we went to Hawaii. Our trip to Hawaii last year embodies happiness for me. Despite my brother's struggle with cancer, it was best he felt and the best he looked since being diagnosed; his attitude was so uplifted. It was such a joyous time for all of us.

This comes at a time when I've had a slight revelation in therapy. In relying on energy psychology sessions to calm my anxiety, I've noticed it's not doing what I want or am expecting it to anymore. And in talking with my therapist yesterday, I now realize what a disconnect I have had with my thoughts and beliefs and what is actually reality. Instead of looking at the time earlier this year as a whole, a time when all these horrible things happened at once, I need to assess each one individually and see where I am on each.

He introduced me to Byron Katie's, "The Work", which includes four questions to ask yourself in trying to facilitate working a concept into reality; A way for me to get to acceptance. Starting with a belief you have about a person (most likely, a blanket statement) and turning it into what is reality and a thought that you can own individually.

For example, the first belief that came to mind when I think of my brother is, he should still be here. That's what I have thought and believed up to this point. It's why I'm so puzzled and in disbelief when I start to think about it. Now, turning to the questions and how I answered them:

1. Is it true?
Of course it's not true. None of us should be here. We just are.

2. If the answer is yes to the first question, can you absoluetely know that it's true? Do you have proof?

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I am sad, tense, frustrated.

4. Who would you be without that thought?
Happy, content, calm.

And lastly, turn the thought around so that it is true just for me, not as something that should be for all.
I wish my brother was still here.

We can all have wishes and hopes that are our own. We own them; nobody else does. And as such, we do not own anybody else's wishes, hopes, business or the way they go about their lives. He told me there are three types of business: my business, the other person's business and God's business. We cannot change anybody else's business except for our own. For instance, the weather; we can say all we want that it should be sunny today; it has to be! But really, we have no control over that. The weather is God's business. We can say, I wish it was sunny today, and that becomes our own business.

What is reality is what is (got that?). It is already here and there's nothing that we can do to change what is happening right now and what has already happened.

In talking to my husband about this over lunch today, he said something to me that made this whole process come full circle for me. He said, "Then,  Jesse is God's business now?" And I thought, yes....yes! And there's nothing I can do about that. :)

The Long Weekend.

What a weekend! That is the understatement of the year.....

Our plans for camping were completely foiled. First, we were not able to hold our original camping reservation at our favorite campground (McCarthy Beach) because the Minnesota State government is stupid and could not agree on a budget, therefore causing a statewide government shutdown of almost all services funded by the state. People are layed off from jobs, rest stops closed, all services other than critical care were haulted and state campgrounds barricaded and closed. We were bummed.

But we were determined to go camping and found a nice little campground in Spooner, WI. We packed up and headed out Friday afternoon; 90 degrees when we left. 1 1/2 hours later we arrived in Spooner;102 degrees! I don't remember the last time I felt that kind of heat. We proceeded to set up our tent, dripping sweat and tensions rising. Afterwards, we promptly jumped in the lake to cool and calm ourselves. Life was good. The rest of the family showed up and started to set up their tents when the sky turned dark and high winds came out of nowhere. It was very scary. We were scrambling to throw all of our unpacked things into the tents and jump into our cars/trucks. Trees were bending, lightning striking and then, amidst it all, we heard sirens entering the campground. With everybody scrambling everywhere, it was hard to tell what was going on. We started to head up to the camp owner's garage for safety from the tornado warning and there on the other side of the road was a giant (and i mean huge) tree fallen over...on a tent. It was when we gathered together in the garage with solem looks on others' faces that we learned of an 11-year old girl who had been in that tent when the lightning struck that tree. She was killed instantly. Bless her family. I still can't wrap my head around it. We were all in shock while this storm was pursuing on.

After it calmed down, we headed back and my dad proceeded to finish setting up his tent. It wasn't right. It wasn't safe. Someone had to make the tough call that the right thing to do was leave. The thing was, nobody wanted to admit that we needed to leave because we were camping; we always do this as a family every year. Something was missing. We needed that level-headedness of my brother to say we needed to go. We were just lost.

We ended up throwing all of our stuff in our vehicles and left; defeated.

BUT, we pulled ourselves together Saturday morning because we still had three days to enjoy the weekend. After a morning of unpacking vehicles and laying stuff out in the yard to dry, we put out some decorations on the back porch and in the house. Later on, we headed out to the beach and spent the entire afternoon there. It was lovely! The kids had a ball as did the adults, got a nice tan and then headed over for a nice grilled dinner at my sister's house.

Sunday morning found us at my parents' house for an early morning bike ride, followed by blueberry pancakes and sausage. Yum! Then, a group of us headed up to my in-laws' cabin for the afternoon. Fishing, jumping off the pontoon in the middle of the lake, sun, rhubarb slush drinks, a bonfire, sparklers and a wonderful dinner on the grill made for such a fun day!

And the Fourth! Monday started with a lovely breakfast for just our family (and Uncle Lukey, of course) with omlets, hasbrowns, banana bread, fruit and juice on the deck. So enjoyable. The boys enjoyed throwing some pop-its (love them) on the ground with a neighbor friend and then we met my family for a parade and back to their house for some serious bike decorating! The bikes looked magnificent and the kids had a blast. (I think the adults had more fun helping them decorate though..hehe). They lined up for a mini-bike parade for grandma and grandpa. So cute! We headed home, napped and woke up to 90 degree weather again. It's slightly miserable; you can't sit outside without sweating. So, we decided to do water balloons and a sprinkler party with a watermelon snack. We loved it!

And finally, we headed down to the waterfront to take in the outdoor symphony concert followed by amazing fireworks to music. Great ending to a great weekend!

I hope everyone stayed safe and had a wonderful Fourth of July! (I think I'm done camping for awhile).

Freedom: A Snippet on Energy Psychology

By request, I am writing a post about my recent experiences with what is called energy psychology. About every other therapy session I attend includes a portion using this technique. My therapist (who specializes in holistic practices) offered to use this technique because I was having some serious problems with my chest being so tight, I could not breathe. It really sucked.

After what were the worst weeks in my life, anxiety reared its ugly head into my life. My issue with breathing became correlated with driving. Originally, my anxiety would get worse while driving because I was in an enclosed space. My thoughts would consume me and cause me to become aware of my breathing, in turn, making me shaky and lightheaded. It then manifested itself into everytime I would drive, I would start to feel anxious. That was until the worst day ever, when I found myself pulled over on I-494 in a full-fledged panic attack; I was completely out of control of myself. I had to call an ambulance and only after being given Ativan was I able to calm down. It was awful and I hope I never find myself in that place again. I was sure I was never going to live normally. But I refuse to be one that takes medicine to make myself feel okay; I would not let that run my life. So, that next Monday morning, I contacted my therapist who I had met with twice, explained the previous event and pleaded for something that would help me. He told me he could try some energy psychology techiniques if I was interested. I was willing to try anything.

Energy psychology is a techinique performed by a trained and licensed psychologist. Sometimes it involves the tapping of accupressure points, but the techinique my therapist uses doesn't involve any touching, just controlled movements with his hands around areas of energy around my body. It works by accessing the primitive parts of the brain and therefore allows him to work on my subconscious processes rather than focusing on the cognitive/conscious parts of the brain. This is not hypnosis, as I am completely aware, eyes open, not having to think about any particular thing.

This website explained it better than I can: "From the point of view of Energy Psychology, painful physical, emotional and spiritual symptoms are the result of a disruption in the energy system. When the disruption is corrected, symptoms will be replaced by healthy functioning. For instance, a phobic response to spiders would be replaced by a calm response to spiders. All aspects of the phobic response would be normalized. Therefore, physical sensations of distress (such as tense muscles, racing heart, lumps in the throat or sensations in the pit of the stomach) are alleviated. Disturbed thought processes (such distorted perceptions and catastrophic expectations) are normalized. Negative emotions (fear, panic, anger, helplessness, confusion, etc.) are replaced by inner peace. Unhelpful behavioural tendencies (flight or fight or freeze responses, for example) are corrected. All of this can be achieved using the natural resources of the body’s energetic system."

This issue I was having with presistent emotions was not being helped by deep breathing, relaxation, etc. Nothing. I researched it and everything I read stated that people had immediate and successful results. Just what I needed. I could not even wait!

After my first session of energy psychology, I felt nothing less than amazing. The tightness was gone; no lie. I could not wipe the smile off my face. I did feel the tightness come back a couple times later that week, but since have not had an issue. Last week, we worked on this correlation between driving and breathing awareness. It only took about 15 minutes; he moved the breathing from my "brain" to my "heart" over and over and kept having me imagine myself driving after moving the breathing to my "heart". Driving is normal now. That's all I'm saying. Crazy.

I know it is easy to skeptical about these types of practices and because EP is a fairly "new" practice used, the jury is still out on the concreteness of its standing in Western medicine. All I am saying is that it has done wonders for me - that's all I care about. If there weren't any energies being moved at all and it was just a trick to my subconscious, I'll take it. The end result is amazing.

After a Hurricane, Comes a Rainbow....

I have been clinging to those Katy Perry lyrics for awhile now; knowing somewhere in my mind that the sun always comes back out. And I can finally say it's true.

It has been a very rough month or so. It has seemed like forever since I felt normal. But, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel; I'm not quite there yet, but I can see it :) I feel happy and positive again. Through therapy, energy psychology (best thing ever), some Qigong practice and a lot of self-reflection, I am able to live again. Losing my brother is definitely the most horrible thing that has happened in my lifetime, but he would want us to move on, live and be happy. We will Jess :) In his famous words, "It's all good."

I have the BEST friends, family and in-laws. All have been sooo supportive and helpful to me. And it sounds kind of selfish that this is all about me, me, me. But if I have learned anything, it's that you have to get through tough situations yourself. You have to figure out what works and you have to do it for you. You can't worry about anybody else, as much as you want to help others. You take the outside support and help and let it move you along. Because until your are right, you cannot help anyone else. That is the truth.

I received the BEST card from a good friend recently I wanted to share. It reads: "She's the kind of person who looks at a cloud and says to herself, 'There's a Rainbow coming in just a little while'. Then she kicks off her shoes and dances in the puddles until the sun comes out again."  Best. Card. Ever. And I'm so happy that I feel like that again :)
Anyway, I'm excited to blog again! Sorry about the hiatus! Thanks for reading :)